need some insight on my situation.

I have mentioned to my wife my fantasy of seeing her with a black man or a couple of them . She was at first all for it and said she would do it. She then got preg with our first child. Then never brought it up cause of what was going on. Then a couple years later it came back up. But she says she won't do it now, says it isn't right. But she still wants me to buy her LARGE BLACK DILDOS. But recently when she has gotten drunk and we are having sex. She says you have no idea how bad i want to get fucked by a group of black men and have you watch and video tape. She becomes very wet and cums ALOT. But when i bring it up later she says she doesn't remember last night and she would say i never said that......... what to do??????
It certainly sounds as if she's very ambivalent about it. I sure don't know if there's anything that you can do to move things forward. I'd like to see if any of the ladies have any insights about her psychology.
I agree with Zagg that she is obviously ambivalent.

But, in her ambivalence there is hope because you know that she has these desires and there is a part of her that would like to act on them.

You have to be patient.

Let me say that again, so that it penetrates: you have to be PATIENT!

Being patient doesn't mean that you can't do anything, however. It just means that you shouldn't try to force the issue with typical male logic.

1.) Something is causing her not to want to act on her desires. Try to find out what it is. But, try to take as indirect an approach to that as you can.

When you know what it is, ask some of the women here if they have any suggestions on how you can go about removing or lessening the issue that is preventing her from acting on her desires

2.) Keep in mind that in things like this women will tend to rely more on emotions that logic in making their decisions. Do not expect to get her to change her mind by beating her over the head with logical arguments.

Once you discover what is keeping her from acting on her desires, you will have to determine what things you can do to make her FEEL safer, more comfortable, etc. if she acts on her desires--that it will be more acceptable, it will make her feel sexier/more loved/attractive, that it will make her relationship with you stronger, etc.

Try to find ways to make her feel like it is OK for her to act on her desires. But, be SUBTLE in your approach. And, don't try to overwhelm her all at once.

Be persistent. But, also understand that you are trying to persuade her emotionally and emotional reactions are rarely consistent--emotional change doesn't usually take place on a straight-line trajectory, it usually happens gradually through a series of ups-and-downs, peaks and valleys.

Don't get discouraged. You know that she has these desires and that a part of her would like to act on them.....if she only could.

Your task is to find ways to appeal to her emotions in a way that will tip the balance: that will allow her to feel that it will be OK, safe, fun, etc. for her to allow that part of her that wants to act on these desires to have a chance to do so.

3.) Do not be surprised if one of (if not the or the primary) reasons that she doesn't want to act on her desires is that she is afraid that she will enjoy herself so much that she will lose control.

If this is the case, such fear could very well be well-founded.

If that is the case, you probably won't be able to erase that fear. What you will have to do is convince her emotional/unconscious side that YOU will make sure that she won't go too far (even if that's precisely what you want her to do!): that it will be OK for her to let go because she can rely on you to protect her and keep her from totally losing control and going too far.

Trust comes into play here and only she and you know if there are any trust issues in your relationship that would make it difficult or impossible for her to feel that she can trust you to "save" her if she should lose control, etc.

I'm sure that there are other things that some of the posters here can come up with, including some more practical advice than this. But, I hope that this will at least give you a starting point to work from.

The fact that she has these desires tells you that the interest is there--and that is a very positive sign. The fact that she has been willing to talk about them is an even more positive sign. So, there's no reason to despair. You just have to figure out how to appeal to her emotions in such a way that she will begin to feel that she actually can act on her desires safely, comfortably and securely (without having to be afraid of losing you, her job, life, child, etc. or total control). It may not be easy and it may be a bumpy ride at times, but there's no reason why you can't try to do some things to help her to feel the way that she needs to feel in order to be able to act on her desires.

Good luck!
Gnostic, you clearly know what you're talking about here. Thanks so much for your observations.

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